Am I Raising Vapid Kids?

Someone in my group, Raising Children Unfundamentalist, posted a version of this question: Am I raising vapid kids? She said that she’s always been a deep thinker, introspective, poetic, and nuanced, but her kids are turning out to be uninterested in the deeper things and seem shallow and vapid. She was raised evangelical, like me, and wondered if that’s influencing her concern for this development.

I was really glad to receive this question because it expresses a fear of my own that I’d never quite dared say out loud. It was actually one of my worst fears raising my kids, that they would turn out shallow and uninteresting. I think I have always been embarrassed to admit this, because it seems like a good parent would only want their kids to be happy and healthy. I felt a bit elitist, and I think maybe I was.

Somewhere along the way, I developed a sense of moral superiority about being “deep.” I do believe my evangelical upbringing played a part in this. Being introspective and thinking deeply was strongly associated with godliness and religious devotion. I can’t tell what part of being deep was my own inclination or influenced by my religious upbringing, probably a combination of both. Because I was praised for this “depth,” I developed an ego for it. I would never admit it at the time, but I did begin to look down on my peers who were less godly, less introspective, who only cared about “worldly” things and not buried in memorizing Scriptures like I was. Because I was praised for my “old soul,” I lived into it and missed out on my own vapid youth era. 

As I deconstructed, I examined this attitude of moral superiority and decided, wow I was so full of it. I mean, I was also a victim of the culture, but I need to take responsibility for the ways I became an asshole because of that culture. I learned to suspend my judgment on people who weren’t particularly introspective, who didn’t think about the deeper things of life, and as I did, I actually started to envy them. There is a part of me that wants to reclaim that vapid youth and relive being completely carefree. To worry not for the eternal souls of those I loved, but for what flavor of cake I liked the most and what concert I wanted to stand in line for. 

And because I suspended judgment and even envied people like this, I began to like them, get to know them, and lo and behold, I found out that people I previously dismissed as vapid, the “shallow” women in my life who only seemed to care about handbags and makeup, are really deeply nuanced folks who have a vast inner landscape within them. With my snooty judgment out of the way, I had the eyes to really see them in their profundity. 

I have since learned that no human being is shallow. We all contain multitudes. We may have differing ways of expressing that depth, or have different capabilities, or are favored by social norms to appear more profound, but that everyone has a rich inner world. From college professors to truck drivers, from intellectual poets to nail technicians, from older folks to the babies–everyone has depth.  

I also recognize now that children should not be “old souls.” This is not to dismiss the occasional profound things we hear coming from the mouths of young kids, because kids can really tell us that the emperor wears no clothes. But we shouldn’t necessarily encourage an older spirit and instead embrace kids for their developmentally appropriate behavior. I want my kids to first know their favorite flavor of cake before they concern themselves with the larger issues of life. And no, I do not worry that they will become selfish people if they concern themselves with themselves when they’re young. I believe, as adults, we are responsible for the problems of this world, so that they get to care only for themselves. I believe kids who get to care for themselves in childhood will turn into adults who can be responsible in creating a safe world for the children after them. 

Am I raising vapid kids? I guess I hope so.